Somewhere along this path I created, pheo VS fabulous, I must have convinced myself that I had a responsibility to maintain this “fabulous” persona at all times.
I said at the very beginning, I would never lose my fabulous, this disease would never take that away from me. Well, it hasn’t, and it never will, but I also find myself incredibly reluctant to write when I need it most… when I’m tired of being strong, when I’m literally barely holding on.
I find myself grateful for a dear friend who reminded me of the most important fact I seem to have forgotten; I am sharing with the world one of the most personal, dark, painful, vulnerable, and trying times of my life. It would be insincere of me to say that I am this painfully positive robot at all times, and a slap in the face to every person who is struggling in private, but reading my very public journey.
This is not to say I have not shared my true feelings, struggled to find the words to express my unimaginable pain, and attempted to share on an emotional level what a toll this has taken on me in the last year.. I have been one hundred percent authentic, as I promised I would be when I started.
I just know that these past few weeks have been insurmountable, I have deliberately avoided sharing anything specifically because I knew I would not have the same “uplifting” message as normal. Well, that IS the point. Positivity is part of my heart, my soul, it is me, nothing changes that. I’ve realized it takes a lot more strength to share your weakness…
I continue to posses this attitude…thinking, “this is what will get me through, we’re going to get through this, I just have to continue on like this”, and then you read the scientific facts like how pheochromocytoma cancer only impacts 1 in 4.3million people, and how if it’s gone to the liver like mine has those people have the worst chances of survival even though they only give five years in the first place, and despite my attitude, every time I go to the doctor, I’m told something else is wrong with me, this isn’t working properly, this body part has failed, this tumor around your heart is suspicious (wait what?! I have a tumor around my heart?!?!) this may be something more, but we will do more tests and come back to it (what does that mean?!) meanwhile my pain level yo-yos and tortures me and feels like a cruel joke on-top of everything else, and my hair is falling out, and my life is falling apart, or what little I have left.
My mind does this lately, not to mention the worry I have for regular every day people things. I worry for my friends, my family, and other people’s problems. The moment I lose my compassion for others, well… let’s just say I don’t want to ever meet that person, because surely that’s not me. It’s exhausting, I’m tired.
My mind is tired, I recently said to myself that I really wanted to go on a vacation, I wanted to go to the happiest place on earth, Disney World. I had it all planned, how I would be able to go in a wheelchair and no one would be able to say I can’t go because I had all of their objections handled in advance, and I had the best trip planned and I was so excited. I’m still wishing, and dreaming, and hoping. The more news I get, and the way everything is progressing, I don’t think it will happen in the time line I wanted it to , maybe one day… but not in December for Christmas. No one is too old for Disney World, and I’ve never been, so christmas time would have been magical, and less busy (lol) I wanted to be able to go before radiation, as a way of resetting my mind and body before it goes through another trauma, because that’s what this is, a trauma. Every experience your body has to endure, it’s traumatic, and you need to prepare mentally and physically. I’m at a point where I need something to just be on my side, as much as I can find something great in everyday, I can pick and choose every little moment and find a special something, I really would just like something to come to me and show its-self at face value and reward me for being so patient and positive.
So there it is, I’ve given a basic summary of all of the horrible things that have been floating around in my mind in the past few days. I wouldn’t be fabulous if I left it at that though…you didn’t think I would let you have this one, did you pheo? 😉
Today I said to myself, “No matter how hard it is, I don’t care how nauseous I am, how much I hurt, and how weak I feel, I am getting up, and getting ready, I am going to have a fabulous day… and do something I’ve wanted to do and also been dreading for days now!”
Hours later, many breaks, help from Serge, encouragement from both my puppies (lol), I was ready to go for my favorite lunch, and go shop for…..wigs!!!
I didn’t want this shopping trip to be a depressing, poor me, crying experiencing. I am happy to report that I was successful in finding many beautiful styles, I overindulged as usual, true to form I shopped as I normally would.. exhausted myself and got way too excited, and couldn’t be happier.
I suppose all of my stories DO still have a happy ending ❤ 🙂
Pheo VS Fabulous
Continuing to find beauty in every day… Smiling through every bit of pain!