When you have this disease, you’re used to doing medical scans. MRIs, CTs, MIBG, PET scans, gallium, you name it, if it exists… we’ve done it.

That doesn’t mean we’re any less nervous when it comes time to do it all over again.

Let me rewind a bit ⏮

6 months ago, I was told my tumors were as close to being “stable” as I’d ever come. 5 YEARS ago I was given 1-5 years to live. So you can imagine my surprise when we were given the good news.

For the last 6 months, all I’ve been thinking is “can this last?” “is it possible”? “Have I beaten the odds?”

Which is why while that 6 month interval comes to a close, I’m even more nervous than ever. Every symptom, every pain, every hot flash, every twinge of chest discomfort, ANYTHING, my mind jumps to the worst.

I’ve completely changed my diet, I’ve been more active, I’ve been less stressed. All of which are good for battling this wicked cancer.

The question is… is it enough?

Add in the anxiety of the corona virus 🦠 lurking on every surface and in the actual air we breathe, and this is a recipe for SCANXIETY!

Scanxiety (n) “scan zi et ee”: Anxiety and worry that accompanies the period of time before undergoing or receiving the results of a medical examination (such as MRI or CT scan).

See, here’s the thing. I’ve been SO sick for so long… and as I previously mentioned, I’m no stranger to a scanner. So what’s changed? Hope. They gave me hope.

For the longest time, I just went in numb and exited numb. I listened them ramble off the same bad news in multiple different ways, only to nod and acknowledge that yes, this is really my life; and it’s ending.

Things are different now, 6 months ago I was given hope! Hope of a different future, hope of ANY future. I’ve been clinging onto my last shred of hope for years, like a child with their baby blanket. Getting withered away and smaller as time passes. That blanket suddenly got a bit brighter and grew a few inches, you get it!

When I got the call that my oncologist is expecting me to do an urgent CT scan, my first thought was… “I have to go to a hospital?!” My second thought was “sh*t, time to face reality”

I’m not negative, I’m actually one of the most positive people there is. It’s just… so hard to go to that place where you allow yourself to expect something good. However, in the end, it’s better to want something good, pray for it, hope for it, do whatever you do, than to just constantly expect the bad. I promise. You may come into some disappointment sometimes, but at least your mindset was positive. It feels a lot better.

Let’s just hope that my “baby blanket” doesn’t get ripped away and I’ll be left with nothing.

Okay, enough of that.

Back to being positive!

This is what scanxiety is. We all have it. We need to acknowledge it. Our brain wheels will turn a mile a minute, until we hear the results. Good or bad.

My CT will be scheduled within the next week or so. I’m scared af.

I’m also doing a full blood panel which will reveal how active my disease is as well.

I’ll be seeing my oncologist, and then my endocrinologist.

Once I’m done all of that, I’ll have a clearer picture of what’s happening NOW.

Until then, I’ll just be biting my finger nails and playing with unicorns 🦄

I hope all of you reading this have been getting nothing but good news or just never have to experience this. But if you do… I get it.

Time to go meditate, (this helps a lot)

I’ll update as soon as I can

✌🏼

Love y’all

Pheo VS Fabulous