I’ve heard many people say, “Cancer is a full time job”
You don’t truly know the meaning of this until it happens to you. It has been a little over a month since my surgery, and almost ten months since I was told I had pheochromocytoma again, and that it had metastasized all over my abdomen.
The minute I tell a health care professional what I have, first the pheochromocytoma, I am met with a shocked and some what impressed expression. It is such an interesting disease to someone who’s never had an opportunity to treat such an elusive medical problem. It’s when I go on to say its now metastasized, and is malignant, that I get the look.
Some of you reading may know the look all too well, and some of you may think it’s just someone sympathizing with me. If there’s one thing I know about the medical world, doctors are not in normal circumstances very sympathetic, they cannot afford to show compassion. Especially a doctor in emergency, or in a situation where things need to be done quickly and without emotions. It’s a bittersweet feeling to crack open the hard exterior of a doctor, you feel happy they care and know this is very rare. However, you know this is very rare and have to wonder why all of a sudden are they giving me that damn look.
For those of you who don’t know the look, it’s when someone’s face is ordinarily normal, or possibly a bit tough to read, without much expression, and the moment they hear “malignant, mets, cancerous” with this disease, their face suddenly displays every emotion they were told not to have. Their face shows true sadness, a look of despair, a look that says… I wish I could help you, but I know there’s nothing to be done for you, so I will just stand frozen with this look, an expression that will literally put you to tears, and rob you of any shred of hope you may have still had.
This of course is temporary, the look goes away, as does your feeling of hopelessness. You put back on your armor, and it makes you feel more fired up than ever, to prove everyone wrong.
You go back to your new job, a job you didn’t choose, a job you didn’t want, and you vow to yourself.. No matter how much I hate this new job, no matter how much it takes from me, I won’t quit this new job, I’ll give it everything I have, and we all know that’s a lot! 😉
My new full time job has been more challenging than we imagined, we had prepared for so much, and have been continuously surprised.
Here is what I have learned so far: showering is the enemy 😂
Sleeping used to be wonderful, and now it’s a guessing game of which position I can go into without my insides feeling like they’re going to come out, and how much pain I’ll be in when I wake up.
I have to wear pyjamas or loose flow-ey dresses because my new incisions don’t allow for a bra or civilization LOL
My hair is becoming super healthy since I’m not blow drying / putting hot rollers in and hairspray etc etc. (bonus!)
So far the only task I can do is cook, and when I say cook I mean sitting down on a pillow covered chair and prep a meal that I get Serge to finish since I can’t stand for any extended period of time. However woot woot progress!
Stairs are my nemesis, I hate stairs. Who decided stairs were a good idea in my house?! Oh right that was me, well whatever they’re stupid and I hate them. I have to do them at least two or three times a day, and they are really quite an inconvenience.
It is difficult when you’re used to being in control, and feeling empowered, to being vulnerable and counting on someone else at all times for you to exist. It’s incredibly humbling, and makes you see that person as the most selfless superhero, and your love multiplies in an impossible way every single day.
Lastly, I have accepted that I am fabulous without anything added, just me! It’s not the makeup, the hair, the whole image, it’s ME that is fabulous. With or without any ‘accessories’ 😜 It’s my love, my strength, and my determination that is absolutely fabulous!
I may have a rare disease, but there are so many other people fighting illnesses that affect an incredible amount of people every day. Every individual struggle is just as challenging, just as draining, and just as emotional. I am sending my love and sharing my strength with every single one of you, and a shout out to the loved ones closest to you that have never left your side. These are the people who refill our strength every day, and pour love into our hearts, and just make it all possible.
YOU ARE ALL FABULOUS!
#mirandastrong #stillhere #pheovsfab