Where did all my time go?
I woke up this morning having gone through the day quite upset, I’ve had a couple of consecutive days like this. This is really unlike me, but there is a reason leading up to this sudden feeling of sadness.
Because I’ve come to the realization that my cancer is invading my body at a much quicker pace than I expected, causing me to become a person that I woke up this morning and hardly recognize.
((When I say the cancer is invading my body, it doesn’t mean the disease necessarily, yes in some cases it has, but it’s also the act of trying to make it go away and the side effects, the subsequent diseases of the cancer, living with cancer doesn’t always mean “THIS LITERAL cancer” that will make you sick))
I talk about adapting, staying positive, and not losing hope.
We can put those things aside for a second, I’m talking about literally having to accept the fact that who I was 1 year ago, NO forget that… even…. 2-6 months ago, is a COMPLETE and utter distant memory of who I am right now today.
How is this possible?
Do you wake up and have that happen to YOU?
The rate of which I have to keep up with the changing dynamic of my body is unfair, in fact I don’t even have the proper words for it. Unfair doesn’t sum up the right amount of feeling I have towards it.
I feel the only proof I have of who I am are the photographs I am incessantly taking and even then it doesn’t prove anything because sometimes I have better days than others and can make myself look like an entirely different non-cancer having person in a photo, which is the point. I want to look like a healthy person, not a sick person for a day when I get all make-up’d and ‘pretty’. So that leaves me with nothing.
Just the sudden wake up call that “wasn’t I able to do this this this AND THIS 1 month ago and now I can’t even get a glass of water from the fridge without it being a massive ordeal afterwards?!
Wasn’t I able to do this or that 2 weeks ago?
Hey when did I start having to use the wheelchair all the time outside of the house?
Do you remember? Neither do I.
Why is everything happening so quickly? If it keeps happening at this rate, what will it look like in another 6 months?
I’m scared to ask that question, but I did. Now I can’t stop thinking about it.
I don’t want to say it’s normal – maybe a better term would be inevitable, but I’ve talked about this many times before.
What’s not normal, is it happening again and again… what I didn’t realize is that I’ve been forced to become so different yet again in such a scarcely short period of time, I’ve no choice but to wonder what’s next for me in the near future if this is now my reality?
Not being able to use the stairs regularly in my house and sometimes having to use a wheelchair……
to being bed ridden and the only activity you have and can’t even look forward to is the bathroom because it sets off your worst attacks?
Now you’re being moved to the main floor, goodbye upstairs, see you only for bathtimes. Goodbye Barbie room, master closet, bedroom, sleeping with your husband, all of the ‘normal’ things you had left’. BYE 👋🏼
This isn’t so bad, the adaptive side you talked about – the good perspective? Until the good things went away. Now you can’t even do a few steps in your own house without a dreaded pheo attack. A few steps and you’re a goner, time for that bathroom routine again. Even then, it’s dangerous. 🚽⛔️ now you need assistance, because you know you’re going to have some kind of heart or blood pressure crisis just taking a few steps from your bed to any direction and it’s terrifying.
You know you will need pain intervention every couple of hours because your body is finding ways of becoming even more disagreeable, and your just suffering at all times now.
Treatment is in a couple of days, and all I can think about it is …
“more pain, more complications to add”
Of course then I snap out of it, I have no choice.
I’m in this situation, the only opportunity I have for a change is this treatment. It’s a potential chance for me to be able to have a difference short term outcome, each time I go it’s a chance to be different, less pain, less crisis, back to ‘normal’ within my self, so I need to have hope.
You always have to find hope someplace. This is where mine is currently coming from. Although right now I have very little, it’s being replaced with fear. I know that’s horrible to say – but that’s what this post was for, to admit things people normally don’t say.
I get hope every day from my god, my husband, and my family & friends.
I may not always admit that I’m scared, that things are moving too quickly, that my life is spiraling out of control… but I’m just like everyone else, a 26 year old woman who’s suffering like crazy with a cancer that’s taking over at a rate that I don’t know how to control that runs into doctors that don’t listen to me because I’m too ‘complicated’!
Sometimes the Pheo is a little more in charge than you might think…
F*?k you cancer, & YOU pheo.